When we Cheat…

The media is fixated on it; celebrities sting from it, politicians spin on it, reality shows feed on it, therapists build practices on it and, we may have inherited it. Cheating (aka- infidelity, cuckolding, mate stealing) is as old as human sexuality and remains a challenge for over two-thirds of couples. Being unfaithful, though not punishable by law, is often perceived as worse than criminal.  It is breaking a promise with a smile and a handshake.  It exploits implicit trust.  It is the shock that love is virtuous and trust is dangerous. Cheating isn’t always physical but, it is without question, always personal. 

 

Who does it?

Cheating is not new, never fair, and has a wide range of behaviors.  Some are implicit ‘sinners of the heart’.  Others cheat on-line.  Some cheat for practice.  Some cheat to end relationships. Still other’s make a career of it. Recently, (insert celebrity) sinned for all of us.  As for the rest of us mortals, men generally cheat down in age and women step out with bad boys.  As for our fears, men hate ‘sexual’ cuckolding, where women can’t stand resource investment in another. (Trivers, 1989, Buss,1996, Fisher 2003). Consequences vary by culture from death to taxes, but prevalence does not. As for individual risk factors, infidelity is found more often in those who struggle individually in the following ways:

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1) Use external control of the partner (avoiding a healthy boundary) as a way to feel internally 'safe'.

2) Feel under-controlled or over-commited (compulsed, impulsed, repulsed) in matters of the heart.

3) View sexuality as an exchange or, worse...to trade relational needs like emotional safety, or support.

4) Seem unable to express intimate needs and focus primarily on sensual or intimate wants/desires.

5) Test/Retest their sexual value and self-esteem with high-stakes attachment and/or 'being forgiven'.

 

How can we detect it?

Cheating can live in the fabric of marriage for years until exposed. The short story? An affair doesn’t ruin a good marriage.  It often points at existing weaknesses of the bond that is reflected much later in the bad behavior of individuals.  I don’t typically hear the words “we had a great marriage until that darned affair”.  Though I do hear…‘I knew we were in trouble, but I didn’t see THAT coming!  Typically, some pattern of resentment has dug in deep and likely gone unspoken for years.  Resentment borrows regret from the future relationship.  It erodes intimacy from the inside out.  This undermines loyalty, fidelity, and perhaps every other well intentioned virtuous promise one can make. 

 

Why does it hurt so bad?

As relationships deepen, trust and love begin to overlap in our brains.  After time they are hard to separate.  But, affairs splinter love from trust the way grief shatters reality. Duped by love, we feel like a drunk looking for our keys, wondering if our ‘friend’ has hid them. This emotional vertigo can turn hearts upside down.  Egos battle between 'being right' and 'telling truths.' We may 'want' to know everything.  But, memory is visual and too many details can be dangerous if we still want to forgive. 

 

Can it be..repaired?

It often amazes me how honestly people can talk once the dust settles on an affair.  But, true repair is built on an intimately

vulnerable process.  You must use a special blend of trust (Predictablity, Dependablity, & Faith).  You are stuck with the grit that accepts and the hope that forgives.  There's deep virtue in this endeavor whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not? 

 

See Virtue's Compass            to get a glimpse of the emotional tools to repair this 'loss-of-self' within the 'pain of betrayal'.